Grief and Trauma

Grief and Trauma

Grief is a wily co-traveller. It can turn up quite unexpectedly, often at times that are truly joyous. Often when it wells up in my life my first reaction after the tears and pain is “Where did that come from?”

My husband passed away suddenly five years ago which seems like a long time ago, and yet only yesterday. Most of the time now I am not overly preoccupied with his death. Life takes over as it must. I have a daughter to raise, a calling I am deeply committed to, and a present that also includes a new partner who cares for and loves all the disparate parts of me, my grief included.

And yet, at times of change, such as the advent of Spring, or moving house, or watching my daughter receive an award, the tears come and there is this feeling that is so painful but also so beautiful and healing at the same time.

Prolonged Grief

When a person experiences loss and grieves a loved one, our society gives them a set time frame before the condition is described as ‘prolonged grief’ and it is regarded as a pathology in the person.

These times when grief arises, tears are shed and loss is acknowledged are not pathology. They are opportunities for a grieving person to integrate their past and present.

People always throw truisms at you when someone dies. “Time heals all wounds,” or “It was his time,”

It’s hard not to tell people to shove it. None of it makes any sense. You are hurting. Try talking to someone who has just hit their thumb with a hammer. Or broken their leg. Really nothing matters but their pain. They cannot think or feel beyond it and it is all encompassing.

One response for grieving people is to suppress the grief and shapeshift. Try and be the ‘strong’ person carrying on – mouthing back the platitudes while hiding their isolation and sinking further and further into despair. The loss of a loved one is extremely traumatic. The expectations of others to ‘get on with it’ can compound the trauma and make it more distressing.

Unresolved Trauma

Quite simply – trauma is energy trapped in the body. If it not treated it will manifest in unhealthy ways. Anxiety, depression, detachment, rage, physical illness, despair.

It’s not up to anyone else to decide what is or has been traumatic in your life. No one else knows your experience and maybe you have hidden it to stay afloat.

Facing trauma allows a person to live with grief.  Behind the loss is what you are left with.

If you or anyone you know needs support in their grieving process be proactive in getting the help you or they need. It might just save a life.

 

 

Parenting in the Age of Technical Connectivity

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The last week has exposed the seamy underbelly of what can happen to our children in this age of gadget connectivity. Teenage girls whose images have been uploaded onto predatory worldwide websites without permission, often by someone who they believed they were in an intimate and private relationship.

A lot of editorials this week have been reactionary discourses about ‘slut-shaming’ and the double standard of laying the blame on the girls for inappropriateness rather than the boys who uploaded the images. It may be more helpful for parents all around if we take the ever present gender war out of the equation. And remind ourselves that they are children and now more than ever they need our guidance even if it is a terrain totally unfamiliar to our childhood experience.

EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING

Executive functioning is essentially the conscious regulation of thought, emotion, and behavior (Zelazo, 2010).

Lynn Margolies at psychcentral.com writes, “Executive functioning is slow to fully develop. It emerges in late infancy, goes through marked changes during the ages of 2 through 6, and does not peak until around age 25. Adolescents’ limited executive functions are out of sync with their emerging freedom, sense of autonomy, intense emotions and sexual drive, failing to equip them with the reins needed to for appropriate restraint and good judgment during this time of temptation. When teens are unable to put the brakes on, they need parents to set external limits and be the stand-in for their underdeveloped executive functions.”

COMMUNICATION

“Don’t ever take a photo of yourself nude”.

“You respect your girlfriend right?”

“You wouldn’t do that would you?”

I am sure these are all ways a parent would feel they are “having the conversation”. But they are artful ways to not have the conversation.

Unfortunately, in our time poor age where we are bound by our ‘lifestyles’ parents are often too tired to be vigilant in protecting their children, trusting that the child will do the right thing because they have taught them that. But it runs against their developmental arc. They are going to challenge your authority, take risks and place themselves in danger – not just in your neighbourhood but globally. Scary huh?

What to do? If your child spends more time looking at any screen than interacting with other human beings, you have a problem.

OUR HABITS REFLECTED

This might make some parents uncomfortable. I know when I addressed my own tablet/computer/phone use I was dismayed at how much it managed to creep into my day.

Once established, it is difficult to scale back technology in most homes. It has turned up all shiny and connected and lovely – the Jetsons in our own lifetime. But it is time to start asking the question. What is it robbing us of?

Below is a link to an article that spoke powerfully to me. (Ironic I know). The execs or creators of all this technology are very strict about its use with their own children.

If you or anyone you are caring for is struggling with ‘connectivity compulsion’, call me. There is a way out.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/11/fashion/steve-jobs-apple-was-a-low-tech-parent.html?_r=0

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where Do Unfelt Feelings Go?

 

It’s time for bed and your head hits the pillow but your mind is whirring. You are jittery with sensations that are nebulous and unsettling. Sleep eludes you and you have to be up early and now your restless state is further compounded by the anxiety of not getting enough rest. You try to clear your mind but parts of the day surface in a haze of frustration. What a day. On your way to work someone cut you off in the traffic without indicating and almost caused an accident. You hadn’t put the clothes from the wash in the dryer so the shirt you were going to wear was wet and the collar on the one you wore is scratchy. By the time you got to the store to pick up some lunch they had sold out of what you wanted. Despite telling your child repeatedly to put their computer game down and finish their homework they ignored you. Your partner forgot to tell you that they would be home late and you are annoyed.

All of this has been suppressed in the cycle of getting through the day and here you are. Unable to rest, feeling out of sorts.

It’s easy to link the feelings with the experiences and create a map for why you feel this way. But this can also become a way to externalise and blame where the source of the feelings comes from without doing anything about the feelings that are yours alone. Your responsibility.

We can’t think our way out of feelings. We need to feel our way out of them to come to some capacity of being with ourselves.

The Felt Sense

Take some unplugged time. Close your bedroom door, turn off your phone. No TV, no music, no distractions. Just sit with yourself and close your eyes. Let your controlling mind take a back seat. Breathe.

Allowing space for unfelt feelings to surface provides insights into your true needs.

When a feeling is expressed without linking it to a clear need it can feel unstable, like a storm in your body, leaving you feeling vulnerable. This is why people are reluctant to share their feelings. When a feeling is identified with a corresponding need it stabilises your sense of self, feeling vulnerable and empowered.

If left untended, unfelt feelings compound and reactions to seemingly small inconveniences are disproportionate as the weight of unexpressed feelings become fuel. If left for too long, they can become hard set into moods or unhealthy projections that diminish our capacity to flourish and be in the moment.

Book a date with your felt sense – your true self will thank you for it.

How Do You Relate?

IMG_1072Communication is a tricky thing. Every day we walk the gauntlet between an intended message and an interpreted message. When there is disparity between the two misunderstandings and disharmony can arise.

The first step to improving communication is to examine the ways in which you relate.

Self-awareness can provide great insight to your strengths and weaknesses.

Below is a relational exercise called The Johari Window that was developed by American Psychologists Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham.

It contains four quadrants that represent your self-awareness and awareness from others.

OUR DIFFERENT SELVES

The Arena is the self that is well known to you and to others. It is your public self.

The Blind Spot is the self that is well known to others but not to you.

The Façade is the self that is well known to you but concealed to others – your secret self.

The Unknown is the hypothetical or possible self, not realized in you or known to others.

Here are the provided adjectives. Carefully choose five or six for each quadrant. Ask for some feedback from those close to you to fill in your blind spot. Be prepared to hear some surprising things about yourself. Be careful not to make this a destructive exercise. The whole point is to enhance communication. Take constructive criticism on board – it might be painful but it will help you develop as a person.

THE POSITIVE

Able, accepting, adaptable, bold, brave, calm, caring, cheerful, clever, complex, confident,  dependable, dignified, energetic, extroverted, friendly, giving, happy, helpful, idealistic, independent, ingenious, intelligent, introverted, kind, knowledgeable, logical, loving, mature, modest, nervous, observant, organized, patient, powerful, proud, quiet, reflective, relaxed, religious, responsive, searching, self-assertive, self-conscious, sensible, sentimental, shy, silly, spontaneous, sympathetic, tense, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty.

THE NEGATIVE

If you can take criticism, try adding the Nohari window (Kevan Davis 2006) that explores the negative rather than positive personality traits. These adjectives are: –

Violent, insecure, hostile, needy, ignorant, blasé, embarrassed, insensitive, dispassionate, inattentive, intolerant, aloof, irresponsible, selfish, unimaginative, irrational, imperceptive, loud, self-satisfied, over dramatic, unreliable, inflexible, glum, vulgar, unhappy, inane, distant, chaotic, vacuous, passive, dull, timid, unhelpful, brash, childish, impatient, panicky, smug, predictable, foolish, cowardly, simple, withdrawn, cynical, boastful, weak, unethical, rash, callous, humorless

 

This exercise can unlock any inflexible perceptions about ourselves in relationship. When we experience difficulties in communicating self-exploration is a good place to start.

Johari_Window.JPG.

A Matter of Perspective

Ever feel like your life is a little out of control? Where you were born, your relationships, your chosen profession all pressing in on you to be definable? Predictable? Dependable?
And yet there is always that sneaking thought in the back of your mind, or a feeling nestled deep in your heart, “Is this all there is? I have followed the signposts and ended up here?”
Sometimes this unspoken despair manifests as a crisis of sorts. A marriage breakdown. Maybe low level worry, or a deep sadness that you want things to be different.
Sometimes people have no choice. Their life maybe thrown into turmoil at the loss of a spouse, a family member, a friend, a job. When a major life event hits it becomes difficult to avoid these thoughts and feelings.
“Prolonged grief” , “depression” and “anxiety” are the labels that are placed on people when they struggle to cope. Although we are each as individually complex as our thumbprints, the medicalised model has attempted to normalise and create a mean for unique human experiences that add further distress at an already distressing time for most people. Someone who is really struggling is given the additional burden of an opinion that there is something pathologically wrong with them. That their response is not typical and therefore not right. This serves to further isolate someone and often times someone struggling will suppress what they are feeling because the people around them are uncomfortable. The worry, or the sadness starts to shape the interactions around them. These distortions can precipitate a withdrawal and the sufferer is left feeling isolated and misunderstood. What follows maybe a chain reaction of a lifetime of unfelt emotions. Unexpressed feelings sending the person into a crisis where they are the issue. Their inability to enjoy life, to work, to communicate and at times even to sleep creates a living hell.
This is where the ‘talking cure’ is most valuable. When you come and see me I am not interested in what everyone else perceives is wrong with you.
I am here to support you. To assist you in working out what is going on for you. And that doesn’t mean ‘fix’ you. A lot of life’s difficulties  aren’t fixable. They are what they are.
But stepping into your first session you are already telling me something very important. That you care about yourself. You may think that there is shame in admitting that you can’t cope. Rubbish. To commit to helping yourself, to surrender to a process that demands growth is heroic. It is powerful. It is saying “I matter”.
In todays fast paced world we run around keeping busy – making money, spending money, worrying about money. We are on a 24 hour news loop with countless distractions to employ and numb out from the discomfort we experience. Our fear of missing out – comparing and despairing leaving little room for reflection. Seems like we all know someone with a terminal disease (Or we avoid checking out that pain or lump because it just may be….).
Carl Jung wrote, “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”
Are you ready to start the journey?